These are the moments I think that I'm alive

This morning was cold. Met up with the hubster for docs signing - refi on current mtg loan. Going from ARM to 30yr fixed. What a relief! Well kinda, sorta. I don't have to worry about refi ever again. Only downfall is the pymt is high compared to what we used to pay but that's because it's mtg + MI + property taxes, and home ins. In a way I am glad that this time around, we combined taxes & ins. Thanks god! Now I don't have to worry about getting a bill from the county every November! Another thing that gets to me is we have to pay MI this time. DAMN!!!

Headed back to work and it all went downhill from there. Anxiety attacks started kicking in. My breathing got heavier and heavier. So many things circling in my mind. SO MANY THINGS... I felt my body getting weaker and weaker. I hadn't had anything to eat all morning. By the time I reached the work parking lot, I thought I was going to collapse. I kept telling myself to hold on. Put on a fake smiley face whenever I passed other coworkers. Made a cup of green tea hoping that it would help a bit. Tried to focused but every time I looked at the clock, it didn't even move an inch. Arghhhhh!!! I felt my soul crying out for help and wanting to speak to someone - someone who doesn't even know me and vice versa. Someone I can tell my problems to and won't judge me. I wanted to hear that other someone tell me everything was going to be ok. **big sigh** When the clock hit 4:15, I didn't hesitate to shut down my work station and called it night.

On the drive home, spoke with a confidant and had baby cries here and there. Rambled on and on and on like a motor mouth. Was informed that it might be depression. Oh really? I never thought I would hear someone diagnose me with such condition. Who wouldn't be depressed? For this land I am standing and traveling on is like a desert with no camel footprints.

To be continue...

***MISS MOM AND DAD DEARLY***